The Tesla Cybertruck Is Dead, And Woke 3 Killed It
The incredible news just keeps coming after Tuesday's huge victory for everyone not named Elon Musk. After a little more than three years blighting our roads, filling divorce court parking lots, and getting recalled for all of its parts falling off, the Tesla Cybertruck is dead. Never trust Elon Musk further than you can throw him, but early Friday morning, Tesla's CEO tweeted that the company will wind down production of the Cybertruck before finally killing it once and for all at some point next year.
Posting at 12:30 a.m. Texas Freedom Time, a very normal time that every major CEO is awake and making important business announcements, Musk tweeted, "Tesla will be winding down production of the Cybertruck at Gigafactory Texas around the middle of next year to make room for increased Cybercab production." So there's no word twisting or reading between the lines required. Tesla's Texas Gigafactory will cease production of the Cybertruck next year, and that's the only place Tesla builds the Cybertruck.
Yes, you read that right, folks. The Tesla Cybertruck is dead, and Woke 3 killed it. The Jalopnik staff, Barack Obama, and Karl Marx drove to Elon's house and made him do it. We have that power now. There's lightning in our veins, fire in our eyes, and soon to be a path of destruction in our wake. If we can kill the Tesla Cybertruck, what can't we do? Universal healthcare? Abolishing the electoral college? Free trans for everybody? Finally receiving a sincere apology from my mom? In 2027, we're making it happen.
Long past time
It wasn't like it's that crazy for a large, generally established, electric-only automaker to add a pickup truck to its lineup. While a Moscow move may be coming, Tesla's a U.S. company that builds a lot of its vehicles including the Cybertruckkk in the U.S., so Tesla never had to worry about that pesky Chicken Tax. And us U.S. Americans sure love buying our pickup trucks. In fact, it should have been a hit. A U.S.-built pickup truck should have printed money for Tesla, but instead, it's dead after 3 horrible, painful, eye-assaulting years.
But it didn't. After the first blush of sales, interest in the truck fell faster than a stock price after a phony product reveal. The problem was, while looks are subjective, Tesla never bothered to make the Cybertruck good. I used hyperbole when I said all the Cybertruck's parts kept falling off. Technically that isn't true. But it's more true than it should be for a vehicle available for sale to the public, driven on public roads. Tesla's May recall over Cybertruck wheels falling off wasn't even the only recall Tesla had to issue over parts falling off the Cybertruck.
The Cybertruck also famously couldn't survive a car wash, got its butt kicked off-road by a Ford F-150, had still more parts flying off on the road, oh yeah, snapped its frame in an off-road test. You know, good, old-fashioned American truck stuff. The fact that, by the time the Cybertruck launched, Musk had gone mask off as a full-fledged operative for the far-right, spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get Donald Trump elected in exchange for a role gutting regulators, didn't help either. It turns out people who buy electric aren't on Musk's chosen political side.
What's best, from a Republican perspective, is to crush EVs, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of the EVs' women. So they aren't what business consultants would call "the most reliable buyers of electric pickup trucks." Throw in prices being far higher after launch than we were originally told, and it shouldn't be surprising that sales were almost as terrible as talking to the owners.
But soon, that will all be over. The Tesla Cybertruck will be no more, and Woke will have won. What a wonderful way to wrap up this already incredible election season. Republicans lost, Elon lost, Texas went blue, the Cybertruck is dead, and America will soon be free once again. God bless America, and God bless these United States.