Opel Is So Worried About Your Junk It Will Send You Free Underpants

Do you have external genitals? Are you Danish? If so, Opel has been thinking about your junk an awful lot, and it's concerned. It seems that a study found that Danish men have declining levels of testosterone, and Opel is afraid that may keep men from buying their new Astra Sports Tourer wagon. So, to fix everything, it'll send you some special underpants.

I normally don't like to quote too extensively from press releases, but I think this one deserves it. Here's how Opel describes the fundamental problem:

A past study by a Danish hospital indicates that today, Danish men have seemingly less of the male sex hormone than they had fifty years ago. Unfortunately, the declining level of testosterone can result in lower desire for sex and lower confidence. This has caught Opel Denmark's interest, since they know that it takes a lot of man to buy his first station wagon – e.g. the Astra Sports Tourer, which Opel launched earlier this year. Every day, Opel's own car distributors are experiencing how the modern man's ritual of transitioning into adulthood is in fact happening when he purchases his first station wagon. This decision demands a lot from the man and his confidence – as both a breadwinner, father, and swashbuckler-friend.

So, what it's getting at here is that it believes that to buy a station wagon, there's a certain level of testosterone needed. And, it's saying, that most modern male Dane's testicles are not up to the task of cranking out enough man-musk to make a human male desire an Astra Sports Tourer.

Just for reference, here's a 2016 Opel Astra Sports Tourer:

That's a good looking wagon! Like many of us, I like station wagons. I have no idea if my liking wagons is related to my testosterone levels, because the people at the Home Depot paint counter won't take any of my samples. "We don't do that here, sir," they yell at me. "Get that disgusting bottle out of my face," they continue.

Sometimes they yell "PUT THE COVER BACK ON THAT THING AND LEAVE WITH THE SECURITY GUARD RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"

Anyway, Opel's crack team of scientists, including cultural sociologist Emilia Van Hauen, seem pretty convinced that man-Danes aren't making enough Vitamin T in their crotch-tulip-bulbs (shit, that's Dutch, but oh well), to the point it could affect sales of these Astra Sports Tourers. And that shit can't happen.

So, it pulled together what has to be Denmark's underwear-equivalent of an Apollo moonshot program: the creation of the Ride Comfortably underwear system. I'll let their press release describe it:

Ride Comfortably by Opel has been designed with inspiration from German car design and Danish lingerie experts. For Opel, the linkage between car- and lingerie design is easily detectable.

Hey! That's a coincidence! 'Danish lingerie experts' usually figure heavily in my production of testosterone-testing samples, too! Small world!

They have launched the testosterone-friendly underwear on basis of features in the new Astra Sports Tourer, with special emphasis on design, ventilation, and selection of materials. From a design perspective,the modern lines in Ride Comfortably by Opel is not merely for the sake of appearances. Comfort has been essential in the design process, for which reason the underwear is designed with a fly inspired by the lines in all of Opel's car models, in order to ensure easy access to the man's manhood.

Yeah, I'm not really sure I see the fly design in any of Opel's cars. That's a compliment to Opel's designers. I don't look at a modern Opel and immediately think of the flap I wrestle with when I really have to pee.

Now here's the real technical details:

Ventilation, whether in the car or in men's abdomen, is invaluable. Therefore, the innovative technique of weaving in Ride Comfortably by Opel is an equally important feature of the new underwear. A warm abdomen equals uncomfortable environment, and this is very unlikely to have any positive impact on boosting men's testosterone level. For this reason, the underwear is designed with a network structure that ventilates the man's private parts while creating a climate that is only outdone by the commando-technique. Finally, yet importantly, Opel have made no compromises when selecting materials for which reason the underwear is produced in 100% cotton. All the selected materials adjusts to the man's curves –whether tick or thin, large or small – as well as letting the abdomen breath effortlessly.

So, that seems to be a pretty complicated way to describe a pair of mesh tighty-whities. They're actually kind of weird-looking, if you ask me. They're the sort of underwear I can imagine showing to someone and them asking "Wow! Where did you find vintage Soviet-bloc underpants?"

In fact, they remind me most of the weird mesh underwear worn by Sasha Baron Cohen in Borat:

See? That sure looks like these underpants.

I think you have to be Danish to get a pair of these carefully engineered and thermally-controlled underpants, so I encourage all of our readers in Denmark to get a pair of these, post-haste, so you can report back on the state of your 'nads. I hate to be out of the loop on this sort of thing, and I apologize for not checking in sooner.

I really hope I don't have to change underpants to drive a wagon. I'm a boxers guy.