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Editor’s Note, February 12, 2023: This article was originally published on October 16, 2020. We’re republishing it today in anticipation of some great, or freaky, new Super Bowl car ads. Enjoy!
It’s time to dig into the two-century-long history of electric cars yet again, and this time we’re firmly in the middle of the three-tiered timeline of EVs. If the EV timeline were a burger, this would be the meat patty, and if this was the case, it would be a terrible half-ass meat substitute made with sorghum and sawdust, because this era is the Crap Era. Maybe my favorite of the eras, which should give you ample warning about how bad it was.
On May 10, 2020, in Baltimore, two police cars crashed into each other at the corner of E. Lafayette and St. Paul Streets, with both officers, fortunately, getting out in good condition. Why the two police cars slammed into each other seems unknown, but I’m sure it made sense at the time?
First, I should say that, incredibly, the driver of the truck is okay; we’re not a snuff site, after all. This is CCTV video from Hangzhou, in Zhejiang Province, in China, and the accident happened when the truck driver was forced to make an emergency stop, I suppose because he was coming in too hot for the intersection. Someone must have forgotten to tell the huge steel plate and its pal, inertia, about the plan, because they just kept going.
I think it’s charitable to say that, for many people, the terrible decision they make deciding to run away from a crash can be best explained by panic. I suspect that’s what’s going on in this insane situation, where sheer panic has made this driver decide to try and haul ass away from a hit-and-run with an entire motorcycle jammed into the front of their minivan. That, or being an unrepentant dick. I’ll hope it’s the former.
Before the world went really, really, really batshit and was only fairly batshit, back in March, there were still some issues with how America was policed. Before police were beating protesters all over the country, they were still engaging in some crazy police chases, which ended up in some spectacular action-movie scenes like this one from a San Bernardino police chase.
You know how when you’re playing Mario Kart and you just gleefully whip a turtle shell at an opponent with the careless abandon of a waterfall? Did you ever stop to think about what the reality of that would be like, especially if that shell contained a living turtle? I suspect not, because, hell, why would you subject yourself to that? Well, now you don’t have to imagine, because it really happened, in Georgia.
Recently, keyless starting has become a popular option on many new cars. So why should you be denied the sublime joy of starting a car without a key just because you happen to drive a two-decade-old piece of crap? You shouldn’t, that’s why. So I’m here to help, as long as you’re willing to accept that keyless starting is just a candy-ass version of hotwiring.
Ever since human beings have been jamming themselves into little metal canisters and shooting themselves off into space, there has been one thing everyone wants to know: how do you go to the bathroom? Sure, you can read about how it’s done, and for most people that’s enough. But not for me. I wanted to experience the process. I wanted to know, really know.
The other day, I was scrolling through Netflix, looking for a distraction from all the pain of my hair and all my terrible car opinions, seeking out some quality space-travel-focused sci-fi, because I love that crap. As I was scrolling, looking at the thumbnails of the various movies and shows and whatever, I realized something: when those thumbnails showed a picture of a spaceship, you could almost instantly know, generally, what that show or movie was about. I mean it! Here, let me show you.
You’ve all been so very patient, but, finally, it’s time. The world’s cheapest new electric car you can buy has been ordered from Alibaba, shipped over from China, trucked to my house, unboxed, and now it’s finally time to see if this ridiculous thing actually drives. Are you excited? Of course you are; you’re human. So go ahead and watch that video up there and see for yourself.
It’s been months since I first had this ridiculous idea to buy the cheapest car I could find on Alibaba, and there’s been so much convincing the bosses, fees to be paid, paperwork to be filled out, logistics to be handled, and just getting it from the warehouse to my house in David’s wonderfully janky-ass J10 pickup (which we’ll cover more later) that the idea that it’s finally here hasn’t even really sunk in. But here it is, and we just now pulled the damp cardboard off the Changli, and, oh boy
Have you ever been communicating with a friend via semaphore flags, trying to describe the door handle of a car, but then collapsed from exhaustion trying to describe the handle? Of course you have. We all have. Luckily, this is another problem I’ve solved, thanks to this definitive taxonomy of car door handles. You’re welcome.
Sixteen years; 9,000 articles; a cabinet full of oily dishes; a bumper made of canned ham; clothes covered in used motor oil; squid cars. Jason Torchinsky and David Tracy have had an incredible run at Jalopnik, and now it’s time for them to say farewell. Yes, they’re leaving Jalopnik, but they’re not leaving you. This will all make sense very soon.
We at Jalopnik are sharing the love this heart-filled holiday by reposting this little writeup, published Valentine’s Day in 2017. Enjoy.
I don’t usually like to write too much about Super Bowl commercials, because, you know, screw ‘em. I’m not here to advertise for any carmaker or crypto whatever or medicated shoe insoles or whatever they’re talking about. However, I am honor-bound to report to you when mainstream culture intersects with weird car culture, and that happened in not one but two — which, is, according to some sources, nearly double one — Super Bowl commercials. Let’s see what’s going on.
Every few years, I wake up bolt upright from a deep slumber, absolutely dripping with sweat, urine, saliva — whatever I can squeeze out of pores or orifices. When this happens I’m in a very panicked state, as I once again realize that Volkswagen — the company that built more amphibious vehicles than anyone — never commercialized an amphibious car. Last time this happened, I wrote about how they should have made an amphibious Thing/Type 181. This time, my focus is the VW Type 3.
Convergent evolution is a well-known concept in biology, where organisms starting from different points seem to arrive at the same general design for living. It’s why there’re so many crabs. This happens all the time in the automotive world, too — ever see an early ‘80s Volkswagen Golf, Dodge Omni, and Ford Fiesta next to one another? Sometimes, though, when a vehicle’s main point is how “different” it looks, it’s fun to realize how nothing is ever as new as you think. Like the Tesla Cybertruck
Manufacturing cars is hard. It’s so damn hard, they’re all made with so very many parts, some of which are just so damn tiny, and they all have to fit together just the right way — it’s amazing we’re able to pull it off as well as we do, by the millions, day after day. Of course, mistakes happen, and sometimes those mistakes make it out of the factory, and then we get to see them and enjoy a sedate if slightly cruel chuckle. This Bronco provides us with just that.
Even though most of my leisure time is spent hanging out at various taillight enthusiast bars/social clubs/bathhouses/etc., I am happy to say I’m also welcome at most community’s bumper-focused subcultural hangouts, thanks to the generous amount of attention I’ve given to bumpers over the years. Recently, I was having a drink at the Overrider, the Southeast’s seventh-best bumper-themed bar, when a pair of Five-Milers approached me, aggressively.
There’s something incredible about the sheer, dumb simplicity of this news story, and therein lies its appeal. Here’s everything that happened: the water company dug a hole in a Pittsburgh street to do some maintenance. They put up a big ROAD CLOSED sign so people could see that the road was, you know, closed. Because of the big hole. Then, someone drove deliberately around the ROAD CLOSED sign, and right into the hole, like, well, a raccoon or an idiot would. That’s it. That’s the story.
Last week, I wrote about an opinion piece that appeared in the New York Times that was written by a writer who had borrowed a Cadillac Escalade and spent an entire road trip being very confused by how the Level 2 driver assist system was working. The author of that piece desperately and potentially dangerously confused a car with driver-assist features with a car that could actually drive itself. There is a massive difference between the two things, and the general public’ confusion about it is
We all know that there’s plenty of wildly dedicated, glassy-eyed Tesla fans out in the world who will seize your arm at a party and talk toward you about the Glory of Elon and the Good News about Tesla, gripping your bicep tighter and tighter until you emit an involuntary gasp of pain. Sometimes they make videos showing off the latest Full Self-Driving (FSD) Beta release, and breathlessly remind you how incredible and life changing it all is. Then, sometimes, we get videos like this one, where t
Here’s an important question for you: If you had to pick a carmaker’s lineup from one era, and think of their model names as possible superheroes, what company — and in what era — would have the best superhero team? I think there’s a lot of possibilities here, but there’s one lineup that I think stands out.
Look how that woman and her Dalmatian are standing there. It looks like they were just walking in the woods when, holy shit, they managed to spot an elusive 1966 Rover 2000, in its natural habitat, grazing on squirrel entrails.
It’s hard to think of a use case more suited to an EV than a school bus. I’ve talked about this before — set routes that generally aren’t too long, set use periods with long recharge times in between, stop-and-go driving, and so on. The idea that we’re still taking kids to and from school in loud, smoky, thirsty diesels is, well, stupid, so I’m happy to see any and all attempts to get EV school buses, like this new one from BYD.
When I first heard that Rolls-Royce was redesigning their famous mascot, the Spirit of Ecstasy, I assumed it was related to why the candymaker M&M/Mars had to redesign their famously sex-positive green M&M: Society was trying to move away from corporate mascots people want to bone all the time. It turns out that this isn’t the case at all! The reason is that Rolls-Royce wanted to make this small human figure standing on the front of their cars more aerodynamic, specifically for future Rolls-Royc
