I Only Want The Gorgeous Mid-Engine BMW Sports Car Because I Care About Saving The Planet, Sir, I Promise

As we all do occasionally, I found myself browsing BMW i8 listings over the weekend. A clean i8 passed me on the road, and it looked so good, I had to check prices. I mean, we're talking about a mid-engine sports car with butterfly doors and a sweet carbon-fiber chassis, so they can't be that cheap. But the engine's essentially the same three-cylinder that's found in a Mini, and there's no manual, so they can't be that expensive. 

The cheapest BMW i8 I could find with a clean title is listed for $33,299, or what those of us in the business call "the danger zone." That's juuuust cheap enough that a normal person could convince themselves it's a good idea to buy a depreciated luxury car, only to get hit with huge bills. Obviously, a normal person should never buy a heavily depreciated, low-volume German car that's incredibly complicated and already more than a decade old. Me, though? I think I might replace my Fiat 500e with an i8 when the lease is up. 

Obviously, since the Fiat is a coupe, and I'm never having kids, it makes sense that I'd replace one coupe with another, but you're probably assuming I want the BMW i8 because it's a gorgeous mid-engine sports car that I can buy at an affordable price. That's incorrect. You see, I actually want the beautiful BMW with the carbon-fiber chassis because I'm a good person who cares about the environment. Yes, it offers great balance and agile handling in a comfortable, daily drivable package that looks like an exotic, but I need you to believe I only want the BMW i8 so I can help save the planet. 

You can buy all sorts of cars for about $33,000, but as far as practical rides go, it's hard to beat the Honda Civic Sport Touring Hybrid. It's comfortable, offers pretty much all the bells and whistles, and its hybrid powertrain is rated at 49 mpg combined. That's the kind of good, responsible car you buy, and oh, isn't it nice it also has 200 horsepower and 232 pound-feet of torque? A hybrid Civic is the car someone my age probably should buy, but I just care about not giving kids asthma too much to get the reasonable Honda. 

Remember, the BMW i8 is a hybrid, too. In fact, it's a plug-in hybrid. And because of that, despite making enough power for Car and Driver to hit 60 mph in 4.0 seconds flat, it's also incredibly fuel efficient. Keep that battery topped off, and it's rated at 76 MPGe, which is more than 49 mpg. The i8 also has 15 miles of electric-only while the Civic has none. You see, I can't buy the Honda because I can't afford to. I need the BMW and its sweet billionaire doors because it's so much more efficient. 

Could you imagine driving a car that got less than 50 mpg? I certainly couldn't. I need to get at least 75 mpg to feel good about all the tire particles my car feeds the salmon, and the only car I can think of that meets my needs is the BMW i8. So if you really think about it, the two-door German and its laser headlights is just the more practical choice. That's not a slight at the Civic, either. I'm sure it's a very nice car if you like modern features and refinement. It's just not the car I need because it's not the BMW i8. And I need the BMW i8 because I care about saving the planet. You believe me, right? I need you to promise you believe me here.