Why Does Danica Patrick's Dog Have More Twitter Followers Than Me?
You might think it's a lifelong party here at Jalopnik. I drive Buicks. I ride in RVs. I am clearly semi-retired. But NO. I work hard, damn hard, slaving away in the mines all day. So why the hell does Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse's dog, Dallas, have more Twitter followers than me?
The Twitter account, run by the surprisingly literate dog and definitely not by a crazy Danica Patrick (because that would just be ridiculous who would do that?) currently has 2,412 Twitter followers. My Twitter account, the illustrious @Ballaban (not to be confused with @Balaban, my Canadian mirror-universe doppleganger named Michelle, and @Ballabon, run by a nice enough guy named Jeff) sits at a measly 1,018.
I mean, I'm all for nepotism. It's produced some of history's most godawful heinous excuses for human beings greatest leaders, like Haiti's "Baby Doc" Duvalier and North Korea's Kim "Kim" Jong-un, but this is just ridiculous.
Who wants to watch the Bachelorette with Danica Patrick, let alone actually hear about watching it?
LOOK AT HER "HUMOR" FACE.
But no, it's not even about the Bachelorette, the godawful hellscape of humanity that it is. This is crap.
Seriously, it's about literal crap.
I'm so sorry I pooped right in the middle of the carpet while u were telling me to go outside. I promise I will only do that 50+ more times.
— Dallas Stenhouse (@DallasStenhouse) June 24, 2014
Are you kidding me??? Meanwhile, I'm sitting over here churning out GOLD:
That's #reallife, #keepinitreal, and no, I still don't have a xylophone under my shirt.
Seriously, even my retweets are better:
"@StainedGlassIce: Hey Dallas, here's a wink for ya! From Allie! @DallasStenhouse http://t.co/CL76ntv7jk" -bow wow! 😜
— Dallas Stenhouse (@DallasStenhouse) June 15, 2014
Bow wow? Bow wow? What does that even mean??
Meanwhile, I'm all about love, and joy, and pizza:
RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT RT @totinos RT if you and pizza are sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
— Michael Ballaban (@Ballaban) June 29, 2014
Anything that goddamn dog can do, I can do better. Oh, you like coffee?
Mom, I was really looking forward to having my morning coffee with you! But no, work work work. 😩 pic.twitter.com/xHIlVBINg4
— Dallas Stenhouse (@DallasStenhouse) June 19, 2014
I like coffee.
Coffee.
— Michael Ballaban (@Ballaban) June 29, 2014
You love Ricky Stenhouse?
I love u dad! I will be waiting with a big kiss for u after the race! pic.twitter.com/CfgN3kSbe2
— Dallas Stenhouse (@DallasStenhouse) June 15, 2014
I don't love Ricky Stenhouse. And that's it.
Dallas Stenhouse does not deserve more Twitter followers than me. Isn't it enough that they allow him to sleep inside, while Matt Hardigree makes me sleep on the Gawker roof, exposed to the extremes of lower Manhattan weather?