These Are The Local Cars That Drive You Nuts
The unique, local cars that haunt your darkest nightmares
Every hero has their villain. Batman has the Joker, Luke Skywalker has the Emperor, and polite society has the Nissan Altima. But if the Altima is our roads' overarching enemy, spanning coast to coast, then each local pocket of drivers must have their own heels with which to contend. Earlier this week, we asked you all for the villains of your local roadways, and I do not exaggerate in saying you gave us hundreds of responses. Here are fifteen of the best.
Jeep Wr-anger-lers
Angry Jeep Wranglers outfitted with all the things for the zombie apocalypse. Really it is mostly the grill here, but the 2 usually go hand in hand.
Wranglers on their own are fine. Wranglers with angry eyebrows and halo headlights are driven by roided-out dudebros jacked up on Black Rifle Coffee. Or cops, which is worse.
Brodozers
Brodozers rolling coal, with gun racks in the back window, and covered in stickers—thin blue line crap, Punisher skulls, Don't Step On Snek, MAGA, NRA, "moron labia"/ancient Spartan nonsense. There's one truck in particular that has a flag pole from which it flies a big Trump flag.
I've never understood the rear window gun rack. Guns are expensive, and windows are fragile. Aren't you supposed to keep your valuables hidden, and not pressed directly up against the thin sheet of breakable material that separates them from the outside world?
The Vee Cue Boys
The 335 has the same reputation everywhere – you see them doing exactly what you described in every city I've been to. I was visiting Seattle last week, where there are surprisingly few sports cars of any kind in the city, and still saw a handful of solitary 335s popping and burbling around the city.
Locally, the most annoying car to me is whatever VQ-powered vehicle is doing pulls on my neighborhood street at 11:30pm every night in the summer. Haven't seen what it is but that exhaust sound is unmistakable.
It's incredible how this stereotype manages to permeate every VQ-powered coupe or sedan. Nissan, Infiniti, Z, G, Q, it doesn't matter — they're all Vee Cue Boys at heart.
Enormous SUVs
Just like every other place in America—the monster SUVs that block your view as you're trundling down the street or highway:
You can throw in bloated pickups along with these BOWs (boxes on wheels). They make me feel like the last sled dog for the view they provide.
Be honest with yourself: How many seats do you really need in your car? Are you often shuttling entire soccer teams around? No? Then grow up and buy a Honda Beat.
Most Owners Probably Are Racing
Atlanta: Mopar's muscle cars, Nissan Zs & Infiniti Gs, and stanced BMWs are among the most obnoxious cars on the road out here.
And racing is fine. We like racing around here. Just do it on a track, or a closed road, or at least sometime other than rush hour.
Lifted Hummer H2
I've only seen it once, but the time I did it really made an impression. It is a bright red H2 that had to have had a solid 2-3+ feet of lift and tires that could only be described as "custom" in size. I've seen 40s and really big tires before but this thing was on tires that were clearing the roofline of cars it was next to. I couldn't get a dash cam snap because they were a couple lanes over in rush hour traffic and pulled off after a mile or so.
It looked like the insane Florida swamp monster trucks, but on the road, in Denver. You just don't see trucks that obnoxious out here, and I see a LOT of brodozers.
Markoff, that wasn't just any other driver you saw on the road. That was the Devil himself, trying to tempt you to sin. The sin here is keying the doors on the Hummer, if you can reach.
VAG Pops And Crackles
Golf GTI/R or Audi RS3 with pops and crackles tune. Every wannabe drug dealer in The Netherlands has to have one, best if they're blacked out and doing 50mph in second gear through a residential area.
At least in my days you had to put some work into ricing out a Civic Hatchback and spend real money to make it as annoying as you can. Today you just spend $200 on a remap and you're done. The car seems to come free with a bad haircut and a fake LV handbag.
Personally, I enjoy a good crackle tune. Throw me in a bone stock Veloster N or Integra Type S, with all the bangs and pops my heart can desire, and I'll be happy. It's the bad burble tunes that get to me, and unfortunately those also seem to be the ones that're cheap. You shelled out for the RS3, but you won't pay the $600 for an APR map?
The Oldest Person You Have Ever Seen In Your Life
A gray, beige, or white Chevy Equinox with Ohio State stickers and 5,000 pieces of dealership regalia that has never been removed. You are completely shafted if you find yourself behind one. Guaranteed 5 under the limit at all times, and god help you if you ever need to merge to highway speeds behind one.
What is it about the Chevy Equinox that draws in slow-driving older buyers? Is it the ride height and accompanying seat height, combined with low entry prices and a half-remembered fondness for General Motors borne from the Baby Boom? I mean, yeah, that's probably it. If I had to guess.
Tesla
Tesla's by far. It's not the cars per se, it's the drivers mostly. They are on or off drivers in my area, either hyper aggressive for no reason, or overly Docile to the point of liability. And at night, I don't know if it's the car doing it automatically, or the drivers, but I get flashbang'd by more Teslas than I do from trucks now, and that shouldn't happen. like seriously why are their lights so freakin bright!? I thinks it's most EVs in general with the brights.
honorable mentions: Altimas, G35s, Jettas, and now FRS's
There's a degree to which I'll give first-time EV owners the benefit of the doubt — most of them have never driven a vehicle that's half as quick as their shiny new electric car, and there's a genuine learning curve if hopping in and out of various vehicles isn't your day job. After the first week or so, though, they're officially in the wrong.
Limo Tint
The vehicle with the blacked out glass, and I mean all the glass – the side windows, windshield and back.
It can be new or 15 years old, but they are the ones I notice making driving bad for everyone: zipping between lanes without a turn signal going 60 in a 35, passing illegally, illegal right on red, not stopping at signs, yielding right of way, etc.
When riding out for my Massachusetts dirt trip on my BMW, I spent some time in absolutely packed New York rush hour traffic next to a Sentra with the darkest limo tint I've ever seen. I have never felt my own mortality so clearly.
The Dearborn Abortion Van(???)
I would say it's the white van in Dearborn, MI that drives around with pictures of aborted fetuses plastered all over it.Or the black van I just saw the other day with two giant flags hanging off the back that said "Jesus is my Savior. Trump is my President".
Dear reader: Do you drive the Dearborn, MI Abortion Van? If so, I assume you likely don't do too much socializing, so I figured I'd give you some helpful tips on how to make connections within your community. The first step is to not drive a van covered in photos of fetuses. That's incredibly weird, and also I don't believe they're real. Aborted fetuses don't look the way you think they do.
Left-Lane Bandits In Prii
My area. Your area. Everywhere with a highway.
The Prius going 10 under in the left lane.
Joke's on you. In my area, at rush hour, no Prius has a chance of hitting 10 under the limit. Nor does anyone else. Actually even 10 mph, on its own, is optimistic.
The Only Thing Louder Than This Car Is The Inevitable Gavel Hit When I Am Sentenced For Reckless Driving
There's an orange S550 Mustang that must be straight-piped as it's loud as hell and has a "The only thing louder that this car is your mom" or some asshole plate surround. He cuts people off, runs red lights, speeds through active school zones. Can't believe he hasn't wrecked or kill a kid yet.
Only saving grace is his car sounds good during his douchebaggery compared to the fart-cannon equipped G35s and 350Zs that have suddenly popped up this year.
I get that "The Only Thing Louder Than This Car Is The Inevitable Gavel Hit When I Am Sentenced For Reckless Driving" is maybe a little long for a plate frame, but what about TOTLTTCITIGHWIASFRD? Maybe on a key tag or something?
Stance Nation
I live in an area with a lot of lowered "slammed" cars but a lot of potholes. Inevitably, I'm behind someone who has to slow down and swerve every twenty to 50 feet.
Runner up: Car mufflers modified to be so loud that Harley riders are jealous.
I genuinely think some stanced cars — like the VIP'd out Toyota Crown above — can look pretty great, itasha and all. They're just better for show than go, which makes them garbage as daily drivers.
The Enthusiast’s Lament
