Don't Shed Another Tear, Time: It's Not You, It's US Automakers
Time Inc., we know how much it hurts right now to be broken up, but you've got to know it wasn't you — it was all the fault of that little broke shit you've been dating, the US auto industry. I know you can't see it now through your tears, but the US auto industry isn't doing so well these days at work and they needed some space. I know it was so cruel for them to break off most of the ad relationship they've had with "You," not caring what kind of an effect it would have on your fragile P&L sheet. Yes, I know you're already doing better now that you've dropped those 289 employees. I mean, you're totally looking hot in that skirt. I even hear you've found some non-'merican automakers to fill your hole. Yes, it's not the same, we know — they're just not big enough to fill you up like those big corn-fed midwestern boys — only an additional $10 million or so to replace the gaping $100 million canyon left by the traditional Big Three in your advertising heart. But whatevs, keep your chin up, kid. Someday soon, maybe around Q3, you'll find that big fish in the sky — maybe it'll be Apple and Cingular AT&T marketing the iPhone, maybe it'll be...
...some big drug company. I know you'll find your knight in shining armor to replace those lost revenues. But don't wait around for him — have you tried the internet yet? I hear the US automakers have already been out there, dipping their marketing wick into blogs, Google, MySpace, YouTube, or really anything with a pulse and verifiable metrics. But whatever, they're a man-whore and you don't need that shit, right?