Chevy HHR Driver Crashes Through Texas Kroger's Doors At 4:30 A.M., Expects Us To Believe He Only Did It Because He Really Had To Use The Bathroom

For some reason, people turn into wild animals in and around grocery stores. They're just places to buy food, and occasionally clothes, but if you know anyone who works grocery, you know there's essentially no limit to the bizarre, unhinged things people do. You know, like driving a car through the front doors of the grocery store hours before it opens, then insisting they only did it because they had to use the bathroom. And what do you know, the New York Times reports that exact thing happened in Texas early Sunday morning. 

It actually isn't all that uncommon for people to drive into grocery stores. Heck, it hasn't even been a year since the last driver hit one of my local Krogers. Here's how the NYT describes this particular Kroger crash:

A man desperate to use the bathroom at a Kroger supermarket in Texas intentionally crashed his 2006 Chevrolet HHR through the building's front doors early Sunday morning because the store was closed, the authorities said.

The man, James Mansell Lancaster Jr., 60, of Natchez, Miss., caused about $50,000 in property damage, according to the police in Rosenberg, Texas, which is about 35 miles southwest of Houston.

His gray compact S.U.V. accelerated past shelves of pumpkin spice Cheerios and Special K cereal boxes, photographs released by investigators show.

The vehicle came to rest near a display of Halloween candy after careening beneath a sign over the doorway that reads: "Thanks for shopping, y'all!"

Yes, if we're to believe the Times' credulous reporting, a 60-year-old Mississippi man intentionally drove his car through the front doors of a Texas Kroger at 4:30 a.m., causing tens of thousands of dollars in damage, all because he had to use the bathroom. You know, because that makes sense. 

Thankfully, Lancaster didn't injure or kill anyone, and he stuck around long enough for the cops to arrest him. For now, he's faces a single third-degree felony charge — criminal mischief causing greater than $30,000 in property damage and less than $150,000. According to the Fort Bend County Jail's inmate roster, the judge set Lancaster's bail at $50,000, and he still has yet to bond out. According to the NYT, it's also unclear if he's retained a lawyer. 

But while you and I both have all sorts of questions about the real reason Lancaster drove through the front doors of a Texas Kroger at 4:30 in the morning, the Rosenberg Police Department doesn't sound all that interested in getting to the bottom of things. "All he said was the doors were locked and he had to use the restroom," the department spokesperson said in a statement. The part where Lancaster allegedly chose to use his car as a weapon instead of visiting the 24-hour Sunoco that's literally right down the street. 

Of course, we are talking about a Mississippi man driving through Texas in the early morning hours. Maybe he really did have to go, and it clouded his judgment so badly, he really did think crashing into a Kroger was his only option. He drives an HHR, so it isn't completely out of the question. In some ways, that might actually be worse than the alternative, which is that a fully grown elder Gen X-er got mad at Kroger for not being open before 5 a.m. and decided to punish the store for its sins. 

Still, shoutout to those breakaway doors. Replacing them won't be cheap, but it looks like they snapped off nice and clean without significant damage to the building itself. Almost like grocery stores prepare for this sort of thing. A Kroger spokesperson, apparently unaware of which company they work for or how it treats its workers, also gave a statement to the NYT, saying, "The safety of our associates and customers is one of our core values."