Honda HR-V, Subaru Impreza WRX Tommykaira, Ford Fox Body LTD Wagon: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online

Folks, it's Friday again — or, at least, it is for you. I'm writing this in the distant past of Thursday night, where it's dark, windy, and rainy in the greatest city in the world. My umbrella is spread out across my workbench shelving to dry after a bodega trip for snacks, and the GrubHub drivers are out in spades on their scooters ferrying burritos to those who'd rather not get wet. They deserve overtime on nights like this. 

You, though, are presumably not riding a 125cc scooter loaded up with udon bowls and bao right now. In fact, according to my research about our readers, you're probably sitting behind your office desk doing absolutely nothing but waiting for the little hand to hit the five and set you free. But whether you're stuck in the rain or just stuck in the office, I have something you can peruse to kill entire minutes of your detention: A list of the internet's Dopest Cars. 

I think the new Honda HR-V needs a wing. It's a fine enough looking little crossover, and I know not to bother asking for a two-door variant, but look at the wing atop this HR-V's hatch. Are you telling me that wouldn't improve the current car, to have a little wing up there? You can tell me you think that, but you'd be wrong. 

I know the wing doesn't provide meaningful downforce. I know it's adding drag and decreasing economy. Adding a wing to a crossover is objectively worse, but it gives the car some character — something too many modern crossovers lack. Sometimes better things are worse, and worse things are more interesting. Wouldn't it be nice to have a crossover that didn't take itself so seriously? We had that era ever so briefly, before 9/11 killed fun and the recession drove the final nail into its coffin, but we could have it again. 

This is simply one of the funniest vehicles I've ever seen on Marketplace. It's a Tomos, a tiny baby moped that's meant to get you around for cheap — yet it's been done up like a full high-budget custom bike to be revealed at the Handbuilt Show. I get that there's a community around Tomos..es, but these are cheap, tiny, practical transportation. There's something hilarious about doing one up as such a beautiful build. 

Though, of course, maybe that's the point. Maybe the bit is that applying this level of craftsmanship to a cheap moped is funny, and this build is leaning into the absurdity. How many layers of irony are we on right now? Is this bike in on its own joke, does it understand the hilarity of its existence? Am I maybe overthinking the artistic intent behind someone in Brooklyn putting too much money into building a pretty moped? 

I didn't know Twinkie was getting into van life. 

The spec of this GMC Sonoma is fascinating. The seller is upfront that the truck has an airbag-free quick-release steering wheel, the listing comes complete with a spare tire and a freshly installed clutch, but god help you if you want a driver's seat. That is NOT included, and you should feel bad for even asking. Who the hell do you think you are, asking for a driver's seat in a car you're buying?

At least seats are easy to get, and once you sort out that little quirk you'll be left with a genuine race truck that you can probably put back on the street with little effort. Yeah, it's got the safety net and everything, but you can probably still just register it somewhere as a regular GMC Sonoma without the DMV asking too many questions. Just reinstall some lights first. Maybe strip off the Joker theming too — not for street legality, just for cringe. 

I've been on a real ute kick recently, which started with my deeply lesbian interest in Subaru Bajas being quickly soured by my years of experience owning and maintaining modified Subarus. This led to me pondering a question that scholars have debated since time immemorial: "What would the Subaru Baja be like if it was good?"

Turns out, that exists, and it's the El Camino. Really it's the HSV Maloo or a Barra-powered Ford Falcon ute, but those aren't quite legal to import yet — at least, good-looking generations of the Maloo are still out of our reach. Rather than modern turbo muscle utes, we Americans will have to live with our classic V8 muscle utes for a few more years. Luckily, our old utes look incredible, and are probably a fantastic experience to own and use. This one even looks like it has a bench seat up front! Try doing that in a Baja. 

Some modified Subarus, though, are truly worth the effort and cash to maintain. Anything Tommykaira falls under that category, and this M20B wagon more than most. I can't say I've seen another Tommykaira'd-out wagon for sale before, they're usually all notchbacks, but this example is purported to be a genuine build. Not fake, just rare. 

This M20B also comes with another advantage that too few of its brethren have: It's already been imported into the U.S., and is registered and titled in the states. You don't have to deal with shipping, with import paperwork, with whatever the hell tariffs are doing right now. You can just buy this like any other Subaru, register it in your name, and have the coolest wagon anyone's ever seen. Sure, you might have to explain to all the normal people in your life why this isn't a normal thirty-year-old Subaru, but you'd probably happily do that. 

Look at those graphics! Surely those are worth not having electric start, right? A little leg workout never hurt anyone. 

The mechanical condition of this DR650 isn't quite up to the aesthetic condition, with the seller noting the clutch is near the end of its life (though a new clutch is included) and the engine bogs down when asked for high load at low RPM. It also "starts first kick when warm," which leaves the question of how many kicks the bike takes when cold. Place your bets now. 

If you want something easier to start, you can get your hands on my dream bike from when I was like 15 years old. I wanted an Urban Enduro so badly, and now they're just available for cheap all over the place. I've since learned what desmo maintenance actually entails and costs, and I've largely lost my appetite for Ducatis without valve springs, but maybe you're more interested in the apex of performance at all costs. 

I've also aged out of loving the whole militarized aesthetic of the Urban Enduro, the army green paint and the high front fender. Give me a Scrambler Icon any day, with bright vibrant colors that make you think about better things than war. If you're into the ruggedness of military equipment though, or you find the contrast of a rugged aesthetic with fragile desmo valves funny, then the bike for you is available in Brooklyn. 

Okay, hear me out. This is a very broken Porsche Cayenne, and it will be expensive to fix. The seller says the engine has a misfire, and that the car needs other unspecified mechanical work, but I have a pitch for you: Ignore all of that and put an LS in it. Throw a Chevy truck drivetrain in it, jack the suspension way the hell up, and romp around with the best-worst Cayenne anyone's ever had. 

See, despite the mechanical maladies, this Cayenne has a relatively clean body and a perfectly clean title. Use those to your advantage, and have a great time going out for a rip in the loudest, least-civilized Cayenne that money can't buy — it can only be built. I want to see an LS-powered Dakar-looking Cayenne, and I trust the Jalopnik readership to make it happen more than anyone. Build this dumb SUV, and send me photos and videos. 

Did you know the Ford LTD wagon of the late '80s was built on the Fox platform? I didn't, but some enterprising individual used that shared platform to their advantage in building up this longroof. On the outside it looks like any other lightly-crashed '80s Ford, with mismatched paint and aftermarket headlights, but under the hood it's all sleeper. There's a Ford 5.0 engine, bored .30 over, with a rebuilt T5 gearbox sending power to an 8.8 rear end with 4.10 gearing. Sure, the interior and exterior look like any worn-out wagon, but mechanically this thing is straight drag car. 

Look at the photos of the engine bay, and you'll see what I mean. That engine bay is gorgeous, perfectly clean, and even equipped with properly-working AC — I can think of few wagons I want more. I don't have $14,000 for a new car, though, so I'm forced to hope that one of you buys this and keeps it in good hands and good shape. Don't let this get wrapped around a telephone pole by some idiot kid, let it do the highway pulls it deserves for years to come.