Wanna Go Racing? Just Have Sex!
You read that correctly. If you want to get involved in racing you are going to need to have lots of sex, because you can't enter the All-American Soap Box Derby without a kid.
The All-American Soap Box Derby (AASBD) is the gravity-powered downhill race for kids who are between 8 and 17 years old. Each year regional winners travel to Akron, Ohio for the national championships.
There are three classes the kids can compete in, Stock (shown above), Super Stock and Masters. The cars are bought as kits and are nearly identical to keep the racing very competitive.
The Super Stock cars can be painted giving the kids a chance to personalize their whips.
The Masters Class is the craftsman class where more modifications are allowed in the building of the cars. Dads if you don't like working with fiberglass and bondo, then skip this class altogether.
So here is how you can get involved. First you procreate (admittedly the best part of this adventure). When the kid finally turns 8 years old, you buy the kit, build the car, put your first born in it and then send them barreling down a steep hill.
If your kid comes in first place he or she will take all the credit for being a good driver. If your kid doesn't win, it's all your fault for building a crappy car. Welcome to fatherhood.
Win or lose the racing is fun for the kids. Tuolumne City hosted a Northern California AASBD event. The city repaved a road and shut down an entire street for the race. How cool is that if you're 8 years old?
Masters cars are a tight fit for the kids. Parents get a chance to give their youngsters some last minute advice like, "Don't crash, I spent forty hours wet sanding and painting this sucker," before sending the young tykes down the hill.
No these aren't drone soap box derby cars. There are actually kids inside driving those Masters cars. The kids look through a small slit between the helmet and the body in an attempt to make the car as aerodynamic as possible.
So if you want to get involved, dial up that booty call, lose the condom and then go to www.aasbd.org. Happy Fathers Day! See you in 8 years, 9 months.