Commenter Of The Day: Time Cube Edition

One of the best websites of all time (OF ALL TIME!) has to be the Time Cube website by Dr. Gene Ray — a self-proclaimed doctor of cubicism. The Time Cube idea is that time is somehow cubic, though it's hard to say exactly what this means. What makes his website interesting is not his theory, which is clearly crackpot, but of the way he defends his ideas. He has these huge, angry, Pynchon-esque rants which are borderline racist and treats anyone who disagrees with him as evil. It's entertained us since 1997. We tend to not single out rants for COTD but today's QOTD launched this wonderful tongue-in-cheek explosion from Jpech.

An old Suburban.
I remember a few years ago I saw one of those dumbass cop chase shows on TV, which I normally don't watch but it happened to have an old suburban on it, and at the time I owned an old suburban. Anyway, this suburban was unstoppable. This is the way I remember it, you know IIRC, the chase started with the dude in the 'Burb doing something stupid, and being all like screw this noise to the cops. So they started chasing him, and he started driving. They tried ramming him, and getting in front of him, but a suburban can totally just plow through a panther platform. Then, they tried a PIT maneuver, but the driver just held the drift for about 12 miles, cause everybody knows a suburban is the ultimate drift car. That's why they banned them from drift competitions, think about it have you ever seen one in a drift event? Anyway the PIT didn't work, so they tried road spikes, but the suburban is 4wd and he just went off road around the spikes and drove straight through a house, didn't even break a headlight. After that he was driving down the freeway at about 190mph, thanks to the massive power from the v8 in the suburban, when HE RAN OVER THE KILLDOZER!!!. Yep, he just ran right over it, that's what really caused the guy in the Killdozer to shoot himself, he realized he'd come up to a superior vehicle and gave up on life. Anyway at this time the cops were getting desperate so they decided to shoot out the Suburbans tires. Here is where it got really unbelievable, as the officer leaned out his window with his gun, the LASER HEADED SHARKS in the giant fish tank in the back of the suburban popped their laser heads out of the window and shot the bullets from the cops gun before they could hit the tires!!! It was awesome. At this point the cops knew they were going to have to some how sneak up on the suburban and bring overwhelming force. So they called in the stealth fighter, which is pretty sneaky, just ask the Iraqis. But it turns out that laser headed sharks don't use radar to locate targets, they use sonar, like bats, because in to make the laser heads work you have to mix the sharks DNA with a little bit of bat DNA, don't ask why, you just do. So the sharks have sonar. And predictably the sharks lasered the stealth fighter right out of the sky. I think that suburban is still going, that's how I remember it anyway.

You are educated stupid!