Commenter Of The Day: Japan, We Surrender Edition

Sometimes you just have to know when to give up. We might have beaten Japan in WWII, but they've been conducting a covert war ever since, assaulting us with convenience and luxury that has made us weak of body and weaker of mind. Commenter Elhigh points this out in an open letter to the Land of the Rising Sun — pleading for mercy before all of us get so fat that we pop — in response to news of the Toyota Winglet personal mobility device, an armchair so clever that we may never be able climb out of it. Is it too late?

An open letter:

Dear Japan,

In light of the new Toyota concept product the Winglet, I must offer the surrender of the American people. In witnessing our expanding girths and increasing lassitude, you have altered your industry to accomodate same. Your cars are larger, softer to support our squashy bottoms, and more powerful to drag our prodigous weight to our important but globally irrelevant meetings more quickly, so we do not have to wear out our increasingly overloaded feet. Said vehicles abound with every form of entertainment that can be packaged into a car, the better to distract us from our dissolution, the better to distract us from traffic and perhaps kill each other off in a fiery but airbagged crash.

Now, with the advent of the Toyota concepts iGo and Winglet, and the Honda robot Asimo, we Americans scarcely need get out of our chairs. The chairs themselves are freeway capable; convenient rolling platforms that whisk us quietly and quickly from one pointless task to another can be had to suit any floppy body type, and our mechanical valet can do the little nuisance jobs like retrieve items dropped on the floor, or reach all the way 'round to wipe our dirty bottoms.

We were once a vibrant, vigorous nation, Japan. We conquered even the Land of the Rising Sun to maintain peace. We know that was a bitter pill. And in retaliation, you have assaulted us so gently, so lovingly, with the convenience and luxury goods that have brought us to this, an absolute halt, utter inertia. We surrender, Japan. We give. Uncle.

You're killing us.