Archetypes Of The Weekend Car Show And Other Ramblings Of A Car Snob

Myself and my friends are self proclaimed car snobs. We have found shelter in the Jalopnik way of life. Now I don't mean car snobs in way that says "Hey I'm an asshat who only drives one brand of car because all other cars are toilets." We're car snobs because having an all inclusive taste for everything that is awesome in automobila is simply a way better view point.

We've all been there, the weekend car show. There are certain characters that inexplicably appear at every car show. Doesn't seem to matter where or when, these people are just always there. This is just a report on observations that I've made over the years with no scientific basis. I just wanted to share as one Jalponik to another.

The I need be the center of attention by spending huge amounts of money on my mediocre object of transportation Person. Just because you poured $30,000 dollars into you're 2000ish Silverado so you could put fiberglass skulls and airbrushed flames on it does not make it cool. It in all reality makes you look like an asshole. Now I'm sick of the whatever floats your boat argument. Bad taste is bad taste.
Worse is the ill informed show goer who encourages this behavior. That's right, the Mullet head and his chain smoking old lady whos bearing they're children. First, that Mullet is no accident. His poor taste in hair styles lumps him into category of Redneck. Not only is the hair style stuck in the 80s/90s but often the clothing as well. Jorts, well more likely cut offs adorn his lower torso. A metal band t shirt usually accompanies the upper torso. If its a particularly warm day shirtless is the often choice. The Redneck's unmitigated distaste for anything foreign is particular annoying, but not nearly as annoying as a Redneck's pension for anything with a shiny V8 and utterly over the top as a street driven; Pro Street style car that belongs on a ZZ top album. Get over it, the car has a huge blower, autotrans, gets 2mpg and is only driven to and from the trailer and or car show. It's never seen a drag strip in it's entire life. What a goddamn waste of a 66 Nova.

Sometimes even I get surprised, sometimes that Pro-street car has a Redneck owner. Big woop, awesome. That just means he has to flip on the line lock on the way out and pull the biggest smoke show ever. I get it, you car is loud and it will spin those stupid huge rear tires you have. Now drive that thing to the drag strip and see if it really will do 9s like you claim it will, because your cousin has similar car with a bigger engine and it does 8s. Or so I'm told.

Hawaiian shirt guy, he is neither surfing nor on the island of Hawaii right now. Ditch the shirt; don't you know that according Charlie Sheen Bowling shirts are the new Hawaiian shirt. I see him there, with his Bermuda shorts and penny loafers without socks.Look at him Fawning over his ground up restored '67 427 Stingray; that he payed a guy in Florida to restore for him. He is of course bragging about how one just sold at Barett Jackson for a zillion dollars and his has a rare color combo that was only built on the third Thursday of the 10th month during the first half of production. I don't care sir, because he is afraid to drive it and when a rare car shows up that is survivor; completely un-restored from day it rolled off the factory floor he turns his nose up at it. Excuse me, I think Mullet head is putting his kid in the driver's seat with an ice cream. Maybe he should say something.

Then there is the Creepy car nerd, you know, that guy. That's always at the car shows. You know who he is. He knows every thing about the damn car, and has no shame in coming up to you asking you questions he already knows the answer to. Like an owner pop quiz. "They only made so and so many of this option, I can clearly see it on your car, but did your car come like that from the factory"? Well Rainman you're very observant that is in fact original but you already knew that. Hahaha, que awkward silence and excuse your self to look at the rest of the show field.

The ill informed Parent trying to inform their offspring and impress all those in ear shot of their automotive prowess. " See son, I use to have one of these, It's a 1966 Camaro SS RS Z28 427 Posi roadster with a 5.0l. Very rare." I applaud you sir for trying to teach your kid about automobiles, but who the hell taught him?

The young Douche bag, oh where to lay the blame? The Fast and the Furious mostly. Almost ten years on this movie franchise is still corrupting the minds of young gear heads. His bumping stereo and scissor doors are not cool. Not even cool on real Lambo. That EG Civic could have really benefited from a k20 swap and a striped interior, but instead he chose 100 pounds of stereo, a poorly fitted body kit and some purple xenon lights on stock steel wheels. Too soon Junior, too soon. His the is the generation I worry about most.

See I'm a car snob of a higher level. I enjoy everything on four wheels and sometimes two. Reading the Awesomeness Manifesto to me was like reading a holy book of your choice and finally realizing that you have found religion. There are others out there. Maybe not very many at the local car show. However through the power of the Internet and Jalopnik we now have a voice. I'm sick of Spike TV and the car programing they have. Yeah, great another $30k budget build. Get real. Nobody has the money for that. I'm sick of watching people snatch up automotive treasures at super high auction prices only to stash them away in a garage never to see the open road again. A car is not a investment to make money with. Drive it asshole and don't rub in my face that you own something I can never afford. While I like to dream I still would rather drive a car that is attainable and fun, not fast; fun. A fun car doesn't automatically mean it's fast and vise-versa. I'm all about the driving experience, I never want a computer to do the driving for me. They can pry that stick shift from my cold dead hand. That should be the Jalopnik creed.

This piece was written and submitted by a Jalopnik reader and may not express views held by Jalopnik or its staff. But maybe they will become our views. It all depends on whether or not this person wins by whit of your eyeballs in our reality show, "Who Wants to be America's Next Top Car Blogger?"