Whatever These Drunk Podcasters Think, No, Tesla Autopilot Isn't Your Designated Driver

A social media influencer, in an appearance on a standup comedian's podcast (sponsored by sports betting, of course), is once again muddying the waters over what Tesla's Autopilot software can and can't do. The influencer is YouTube chef Landon Bridges, the standup is slur-defender Bert Kreischer, and it's safe to say neither of them is qualified to tell people what's safe or legal to do behind the wheel. That did not stop them from being enchanted with the idea of using the notoriously buggy Tesla Autopilot as a designated driver.

Look, it goes without saying that you should not get behind the wheel of a car drunk, regardless of what sort of driver-assist software it's running. You should call a taxi, or a rideshare, or a friend — anything would be better than trusting software with your own life and the lives of others on the road while your judgment is compromised. But to trust Tesla of all software developers — and the base Autopilot software at that, rather than the up-spec Full Self-Driving — is truly remarkable stupidity. 

In the podcast, after an incredibly tasteful joke about AIDS, Bridges brings up the topic of Autopilot in response to another round of drinks being served to the hosts:

Bridges: You wanna know what the best game-changer of 2025 is for me?

Kreischer: What's that?

Bridges: I bought a Tesla. It has Autopilot.

Kreischer: Does it work like — like that? 

Bridges: Lemme tell you something. 

Kreischer: Where you're like, [slurred] "Tesla get me home?"

Bridges: Yeah. That's the problem. That's — that's literally the problem. I'll go after it, and I'll be like — I'll press the Home button, as long as you look forward, you're home.

Someone named "Daddy Steve," who is also here, to Kreischer: Have you, do you — do you have a Tesla?

Kreischer, laughing: No, I don't, but I'm getting one!

"Daddy Steve": Really? Interesting. Oh no no, you 100% have to get the autodrive Tesla, the new one!

Bridges: It's — like, it's probably very unfortunate for you 'cause like, the mo— the best you can get is like a Model X, which, you — I don't know what your daily driver is, but you're rich so you could probably be like "Ah, it's gonna like, be a downgrade from my G-Wagen or some sh–." But, you get in that motherf—–, I'm telling you, you press the Home button, the wheel starts spinning, you're just — you're, you could jerk off in there, you could, you could literally—

Kreischer: For real?

Bridges: —you could watch.

Kreischer: How is — there's gotta be porn of someone having sex in the Tesla while it drives. 

Bridges: Oh there's plenty. 

No one should be drinking or having sex behind the wheel of a Tesla or any other vehicle with driver-assist software. This software has already been shown to make us less attentive drivers, and Bridges and Kreischer's comments show the natural end point of software that's advertised as being far more hands-off than it really is. You'd think Tesla's founder Elon Musk losing a $240 million lawsuit due to overblown self driving claims about Autopilot would give these mighty media minds pause, but no. Anyway, don't ever drink and drive, even in a Tesla. 

h/t Electrek