I started thinking about this on the drive in this morning, when I saw three GLs on the highway, each with one occupant and — as it happened — each occupant weighing approximately 110 pounds. And blond. What is it about Mercedes-Benz and blonds?

So, let's put each of these coeds in a vehicle that gets 36% better fuel economy. Have we solved much? No, because they are still operating vehicles twice or thrice the size required to move their scrawny bits of protoplasm from point A to point B. And let's not kid ourselves. That's what duty these harlots of petroleum are destined to perform. Very few people are going to tow a boat or go off-road in a GL320 CDI.

But by the same token no one in Canada ever wins on the horses, or escapes from a knife fight with their life, or has an orgasm. It is Switzerland with wheat.

Some may regard these marginal increases in performance metrics not worth the GT Speed's price premium ($199,990, $24,000 over the GT), but these people have tiny yachts you can't even land a helicopter on.

Not just bad, but a veritable chalice of wretchedness, a rattling, thumping, lolling tragedy of a car, a summary indictment of Chrysler's recent management and its self-eradicating product planning, all cast in plastic worthy of a Chinese water pistol.

It's no secret that us Jalopniks heart Dan Neil. Obviously, he's a fantastic writer, a sharp dresser and takes down big prizes. Plus, like, you can't front on "spumy flinders," now can you? But, there's something else you may not know about Dan. He's a bolt counter. Yup, we've seen him in action. While everyone else is standing around listening to marketing nonsense spewed by desperate PR types, Danny boy is on his back underneath the car in question going, "Reverse L-shaped suspension beams, interesting." Which is why he is the only man capable of looking at the Hawaiian Tropic bikini babes not quite draping themselves all over Peugeot's 24-hour entry and accurately deduce that the #7 car is only good for 17-hours. No other auto-journo has them sorta skills. Us? We would have missed the car completely. Spumy flinders, indeed. (Hat tip to rpm968) – Jonny Lieberman

Sleepless In Le Mans [LA Times]

Related:
Spumy Flinders! Dan Neil on the 599 Fiorano; Anything That Happens Before Or After Is Just Waiting: 24 Hours of Le Mans, 2007; Le Mans: Start Your Engines [Internal]

In the video accompanying his review of the Ferrari 599, Se or Neil mentions that in a past life as a rock writer, he once interviewed Anthrax. He then proceeded to call them numbskulls. How can the band that recorded Among the Living and Persistence of Time possibly be a group of numbskulls? True, they did also record Fistful of Metal, an album that featured the lines, "I got thunder in my hands! I'm Metal Thrashing Maaaaaaaaaaaad!" So he could be correct. Regardless, Neil posits that the Fiorano is simply the best front-engined sports car ever made; a calling it a machine that will blow your mind to "spumy flinders." You okay over there, Dan? – Davey G. Johnson

Speed-style continuum [LA Times]

Related:
Nevermind The Horsepower: Buy A Ferrari 599, Use Your IPod [Internal]

Toyota's Lightweight [LAtimes.com]

Related:
More Dan Neil; The Apocalypse Dudes: An Open Letter to Auto Designers; Toyota Tundra Is The New Buick? [Internal]

The most recent iteration of Jaguar's legendary XK line has been divisive at the very least. Some call it beautiful. Some cry "Ovoid Taurus" and others "carp." In his review of Jag's uprated GT car, Dan Neil admits to not being sure about the XK at first, but begins to warm to its design, commenting, "Maybe the effect is less aerodynamic than Jungian: This is the shape of a coveted thing slipping through your fingers." And while we argree that the 3/4 view of the car is quite nice, from head on, it still looks like a hip-hop-obsessed lamprey chugged a 40 of pure quinine. – Davey G. Johnson

One sleek cat: Jaguar XKR puts the 'grand' in grand touring [Detroit News]

Related:
Clarkson Pits XKR vs. AMV8 [Internal]

It may have only had .75hp. It may have sounded more like industrial equipment than what we know as an automobile. But Karl Benz' Motorwagen birthed and snuffed more nations than D.W. Griffith ever dreamed possible in a very short span of time. Meanwhile, Momofuko Ando who invented instant ramen — essentially the Kia Rio of foodstuffs — died Friday. However, college life will go on, and it's rather funny to see Dan Neil obliquely reference the danger of bits of a rotating assembly ending up in his colon while tooling around Pasadena dressed as a man who could conceivably own a penny farthing. Ah, history. – Davey G. Johnson

Before the Rumble Seat [LA Times]

Related:
Der Auto Dom: Dan Neil on Germany's Shrines to Der Wagen [Internal]

Besides Thomas Weber's "Wee-Eight" comment, Mark Fields' description of Mercury as "Not Ford" and the apparent "I am going to cum all over you" line from Changfeng's Chairman Li, we only had Alan Mulally's "Ford blands" bit to keep us giggling. Let's just say Detroit didn't leave us with anything quite as golden as "ALUMINUM UND SHTEEL!" or "Your wife, my wife..." Regardless, there were a few gems that came to us away from the show floor. Transcribed verbal snapshots after the jump.

"The cars need to stay on the track."
-A scowling VW employee who didn't much care for the way Los Jalops were playing with the Rabbit slot cars.

"I'm wasting my life in the back of a brand-new Winnebago."
-Antonio Alvendia bemoaning the laggardliness of his hotel's staff

"Were the Northwest people at the show good to you?"
-Two NWA employees smoking cigarettes outside the terminal at the airport. MC Ren was nowhere in sight.

"Oh, can't you give us a break?"
-Audi Communications operative after hearing we'd entitled our post on the Q7 reveal "ALUMINUM UND SEAL!"

"Some days, I wanna put a bullet in my head. Other days, it's great."
-A DCX employee who shall remain nameless on working for the German-American Hybrid

"Every model comes with a free finger!"
-Dan Neil on the working conditions in Chinese factories

"You remember the Corvair? When I was 19, I got a job at the body shop. This was back when they used lead. I had a 36-grit grinder that ran at 36.000 RPM. My job was to smooth the cars out. I wore a hood pressurized to 5 psi with a hose running out the back. Every two weeks, they'd take a blood sample. After six months, they found a small trace of lead. That's when I quit. That's my experience in the auto industry."
-The shuttle bus driver on the way to the airport

– Davey G. Johnson

More from Detroit [Internal]

Our favorite Los Angeles-based auto writer trips across the pond and falls face first into a Hofbra haus fulla schnitzel. Or, more correctly, museums full of cars in the land that gave us the Karl Benz Motorwagen — a seminal invention that ultimately screwed the planet's pooch and/or freed us from our provincial moorings, liberating us to move about and kill each other with never-before precision. Which eventually led to the unfortunate never-before 1984 Chevy Corvette. Now go stop worrying and love the Neil. [Thanks to Doug for the tip.]

Temples of vroom [LA Times]

Related:
Dan Neil Declares Ford Fusion Remarkably Adaquate [Internal]

So we pulled out of San Pedro in the mid-afternoon to make sure we'd make it to Santa Monica Airport in time for the start of the Tesla Motors press intro. Rumors had flown back and forth as to whether or not the Tesla Roadster was simply a rebodied, rebadged Elise with an electric powertrain. The answer to that is slightly tricky — it is and it isn't. Click through for the full report.

The entire powertrain of the car only weighs 160 pounds. That includes the electric motor (to be built in Taiwan), the two-speed gearbox, built in Britain by a supplier the Teslas declined to name (umm...er, could it be...Ricardo?), and the diff.

The Tesla Roadster looks especially sexy in that red that Chrysler seems to use on all of the press cars they hand us.

The extruded and bonded aluminum chassis, built by Norsk Hydro in Scandanavia (once the target of a daring commando raid to curtail Nazi heavy-water production during WWII), is based on that of the Elise, using the 900-pound, water-cooled and heat-regulated lithium-ion battery pack — in classic Lotus style — as a stressed member. The wheelbase is two inches longer, and it weighs a bit more than an Elise, tipping the scales at 2500 lbs in the preproduction cars we saw. They're hoping to shave an additional hundred pounds from the production version. The sills are two inches lower than its Lotus half-sibling, although ingress and egress were still slightly problematic for Los Jalopnik in attendance, Dan Neil and some guy who played a destructo android from the future in a film trilogy of little note and splits his time between Sacto and LA. He had a bit part in Cars too, playing an H1.

Smashing through the boundaries, lunacy has found me, water cools the battery.

Yes, Arnold took up temporary residence in the house, and the rumor of the evening is that he'd bought one. We were standing outside after showing up early (the traffic between Pedro and Santa Monica is ridiculously unpredictable) when all of a sudden we heard a huge hubbub behind us. When we turned and saw a row of black SUVs, we wondered what was up. All of a sudden, there he was, right in front of us. We extended our hand and said, "Governor, it's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you, too," the former Kindergarten Cop replied. We resisted the urge to pull a Road House and exclaim, "We thought you'd be taller!"

Mr. Olympia's Wild Ride.

After Ahnuld had left the building, the Teslas got down to brass tacks, explaining the car's genesis. Yes, it is built in Hethel by Lotus. Sure, it tops out at 130, but it's got a 250-mile range based on the EPA's freeway test. Regenerative braking? Check. But one parameter they haven't tested is how much the regen actually adds to the car's (presumably-shortened) range while cruising in traffic (a number we're really interested to know). Regardless the magic pair of double decimal-delineated digits remains the 4.0-second 0-60 time. Even judging from our brief test ride, we'll proclaim that this thing will slay on the backroads.

When was the last time you saw a photo of Dan Neil of the LA Times (far right) and Arnold Schwarzenegger (far left) on either side of an electric sports car? We're guessing never. Jalopnik Exclusive?

The torque is unbelievable. And eerie. The power just comes on right now and does not abate. It's absolutely batty; unlike anything we've experienced. We think our kidneys may still be embedded in the seatback. And it sticks. Hoons, your EV has arrived. Yes, you do practically trade bodily fluids with your motoring companion, but there was plenty of legroom (although we're 5'11, we've got a positive ape index — 30" inseam with a 34" sleeve — but we'd say leggy types won't have any complaints in that department).

Chairman Elon Musk, who founded PayPal and got a lot of heavy hitters on board to raise $60 mil in venture capital for the project, has signed SiliValley luminaries like Google's Sergey Brin for orders. Essentially, this is a geek-chic semi-supercar interim step. It'll take a full load of juice in 3 1/2 hours from a garage-mounted charger, but more interestingly, while travelling, it can be topped up from an ordinary 110 socket using Tesla's mobile kit (albeit much more slowly). One of the major problems with GM's EV1 was that it was married to its charging unit. Tesla, using technology licensed from AC Propulsion, has rather cleverly mitigated this problem, although the dedicated charging unit remains the fastest way to top up the car.

The price for what may be the first real step toward a viable mass-market electric car? $100k. No goofy lease. Given Silicon Valley's penchant for pie-in-the-skyness, and having lived through the tech boom and bust in the Bay, we know how easy it is for a well-funded company to fail. According to rumor, however, Tesla's only burned through $25 million of its VC and has produced ten preproduction cars. Musk claims they started in the segment they did to produce a profitable vehicle that will lead to more development, and according to the Wired article, their $50k sedan project is due around 2008. We were skeptical of the Tesla project when we first heard about it. We're believers now. With any luck, we'll have a road test for you later this year. Finally, an electric car that car geeks can truly get stoked on. Because, let's face it — driving a Tango kind of makes you look like a dork. Unless you're already George Clooney. To be sure, electric cars are still, and will be for a long time to come, a niche market. But we think Tesla's got a good shot at broadening said niche. It's the first electric car that boys who aren't card-carrying members of the A/V Club will want to post on their bedroom walls.

Related:
Tesla Electric Car Pics Leaked! [Internal]

Dan Neil's back. Right, he never left physically, but if we're being honest (and we pretty much are), we'd been detecting a slight leak from his characteristic wit of late. If his Muse had left the building, she was only out for lattes (or a Double-Double with extra avocado). Neil's prosiness is back, and it's trained on the Acura MDX SUV, which he says, is "perfectly constructed, elegantly engineered and shamelessly underpriced." Acura's marketing speak-speak, on the other hand, is far less elegantly rendered.

In fact, so smitten am I by this vehicle that I can only conclude I'm exactly the sort of person it was designed for. According to Acura's psychographic buyer's profile, I'm apparently what you call an "urban achiever." I'm edgy, competitive, and I work hard and play hard. During the weekdays I'm entertaining clients and impressing the boss. Weekends I enjoy an active lifestyle of dating, night life and mountain biking.

Right. Just as soon as I can find my pants.

Could this be love? [The Los Angeles Times]

Related:
More Dan Neil [internal]

This week, Dan Neil takes on hybrid doubters with a love letter to the Lexus GS450h, and a quick lesson on speaking in physics. Lest that intro sound as if we're challenging his objectivity, we ain't. Still, his usual gallons 'o prose does make us want to put foot to pedal.

The GS450h is the neon-skinned, freeway-ventilating electric eel of midrange torque. Put the Wellie to this car at 80 mph and, before you can say, "Galvani, Volta, Faraday and Tesla," the Electro-Lex is humming along at 100 mph, shoved into crass illegality by its 197-horsepower monster-magnet motor. ... The GS450h has a direct linkage between the go pedal and the rear wheels. Nail the throttle and the car surges forward on electron-greased rails while the needle on the cool-metallic "kilowatt" gauge swings to over 250kW (max output of gas and electric power is 339 horsepower). Next stop, D sseldorf.

The well-bred hybrid [Los Angeles Times]

Related:
More Dan Neil [internal]

Consider yourself on notice, Mr. Neil. It's one thing to compare the Mitsubishi Evo MR's squat comport to a groundhog, but it's a whole 'nuther to point your fancy wordstick at a defenseless 500-lb child.

The stubby and thick Evo MR, on the other hand, is more like a rocket-powered groundhog, or a baby hippo fired out of a cannon. Fast. Ugly.

On the outside, the Evo MR looks like it went into a performance parts store and got dressed in the dark.

Fast. OK, really fast [LA Times]

Related:
Dan Neil on the Suzuki Grand Vitara [internal]

In light of GM selling off $2 billion in Suzukibux, Dan Neil's review this week of the Suzuki Grand Vitara is poignant at best (and a helluva coincidence at the least). He addresses the two companies' enduring partnership, sans fiduciary ties, right off. "This seems a little like pledging a strong, future-oriented partnership with the Ottoman Empire," he writes, "but there you go." But what of the ute in question? Is the new model, like its predecessor, a four-wheeled referendum on public transportation, or have the Suzukians raised it to the standards of its competitors? There's good news and there's bad news. But mostly good.

Not Grand but Good [Los Angeles Times]

Related:
More on Dan Neil [internal]

A commenter who's been conspicuously absent since he called us homophobes and didn't get away with it once referred to us as Dan Neil-wannabes in a vaguely derogatory way. But really, what auto writer doesn't aspire to that level of the craft? (Well, okay, plenty don't.)

"Under the carpeted and soundproofed hillock between the wheels is the car's 3.4-liter, flat-six engine, a fervent bit of machinery that in the throes of aggressive driving swamps the cabin with a bright, metallic resonance. Imagine the sound of someone cutting up Zildjian cymbals with a Husqvarna chain saw. I'll wait."

Oh, and Neil says the same thing that just about everyone's said of the Cayman: namely that it's a 911-killer that Porsche won't allow to take down its venerable sibling. So what?

Where's the 911? Who Cares? [LA Times]

Related:
Jalopnik Reviews: 2006 Porsche Cayman S, Part 1 [Internal]

Yesterday, we ran into Dan Neil at the LA Auto Show and stopped and chatted a bit. He seemed pleased to meet us, and we were certainly pleased to meet him. As erudite and quick in person as he is on the page, Neil mentioned that his son was in a band and wanted to tour. His choice for the ultimate Rock 'n' Roll Sexy Van? The Dodge Sprinter. Customized for two-wheeled maven Brian Lopes, this Sportmobile-built Sprinter 2500 is a no-nonsense hauler that illustrates the utility of the Merc/Dodge van and simply put, kicks ass.

With room for a couple of motocrossers or a number of bicycles in the wayback and a small living area behind the front seats, a Kicker sound system and knobby tires, the blood-red, no-nonsense van looks innocuous yet slightly menacing due to its off-road tires. Subtlety and utility carry the day here, and in a world of flash custom vehicles for celebs, it's a welcome change.

Related:
Celebrity Struggle Buggies: Mike Watt's '05 E-350 [Internal]

This week, the LA Times's Dan Neil takes his Pulie and sticks it up the Chevrolet HHR's tailpipe with such figurative vigor, we're tempted to just hit copy-and-paste, shut the lights, and go get sugarplummed on Applebee's margaritas. Instead of wasting the HHR with a single, jungle-clearing BLU-82, labeled "poseur," he addresses the HHR's cultural failings like a lone Delta Force operative.

There is a Detroit-cloistered quality to the HHR, and not simply because it is such a pointed response to a crosstown rival. The HHR wants to capitalize on a sentiment.

Custom-car building and hot rodding are mechanical folk arts. Their very appeal lies in their perversion of the ordinary like a '32 Ford or a '49 Hudson into something extraordinary, something irreverent and ornery. Hot rodding is a kind of insurgency that cannot be commodified.

I'd keep going, but the salt is melting off my glass.

A Lukewarm Hot Rod [The Los Angeles Times]

Related:
Maximum Freepage: Detroit Paper Picks Car, Truck of the Year [internal]

The LA Times's Dan Neil again turns simple column inches into a multithreaded liberal-arts lesson. This time the focus is on the 2006 Corvette Z06, in a review by way of Adam Smith, Marx's Theory of Value, the Home Shopping Network, the Saunders Wrist-Rocket, Greek mythology and the "Wizard of Oz." Class is in session.

Even Faster Company [Los Angeles Times]

Related:
Pox on the Box on the Rocks: Dan Neil Decommissions the Jeep Commander [internal]

We've always thought designers of the Jeep Commander, in taking the shortest route to Seven-Passengerburgh, resigned themselves to a short-cut through Squaresville. Sure, it's the easiest solution to the "gotta have an extra row of seats" argument, but, as Dan Neil points out in this week's review, it makes for some ungainly spacial sacrifices.

Love on the rocks [Los Angeles Times]

Related:
Dan Neil Showers the New Mazda Miata With Verbiage [internal]

Dan, Dan. You've got the Pulitzer, now put down the Scrabble dictionary and step away from the word processor before some poor bastard loses an i. Frankly, Dan — and you know what devoted readers we are — it's just that when you get giddy, the sylababble alights from your lead paras like bees scrambled to intercept a Big Gulp. It's as if you'd become inhabited by a twee Flemish scribe who's spent most of the 13th century chained to a dungeon wall. Well, ok, that Kate Moss line is brilliant. Oh, what the hell, carry on.

Thrill-seekers wanted [The Los Angeles Times]

Related:
Dan Neil Declares Ford Fusion Remarkably Adaquate [internal]

"The satisfaction of the new Ford Fusion is the same as laundry all folded and put away quietly important and necessary to an ordered world." — Dan Neil, Los Angeles Times

Sure, the civilized world demands order. What good is an intercity train with satellite TV, hot showers and bottomless gin and tonics, for example, if it constantly runs an hour late, or the wheels just fall right off on a curve? (Full disclosure: We'd likely choose the TV, shower and G&Ts over arriving anywhere, late or otherwise.) Of course, Ford wanted more out of its Fusion than mere adequacy. It wanted a hot, youth-oriented, affordable sports sedan; one that attracts a kind of pick-up wholly different from that Enterprise rent-a-car offers. But according to our man Dan, Ford may have inadvertently (or quite vertently) stumbled on a paradox in our current cultural climate, which could lead to even greater success: sober and sane is the new sexy.

Modest but so becoming [The Los Angeles Times]

Related:
Ford Kickstarts Fusion with Sales Incentives [internal]